is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
