I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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