...so i touched it.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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