Porn is love you can see.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
