i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
