Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Randomize
