I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
