Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
