Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
