I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
