Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
