this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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