I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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