On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
