You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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