if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
