After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
