I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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