Your dad touched me again.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
