There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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