dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
