i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
