Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
