Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
