Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
