Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
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