Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
