And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
