My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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