he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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