Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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