I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
