One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
