hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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