We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
where are my eyebrows?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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