Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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