my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
