I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
