I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
