I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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