smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
