When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
