I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
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