First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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