I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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