My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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