You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The air was thick with penises
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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