That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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