My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
