Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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