Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
